Eat it, Azerbaijan

Kudonts to internationally televised news. With the advancement of modern technology, it is now possible to tune-in to news programs broadcast directly from countries all over the world. I had hoped that this would enable me to see foreigners singing America’s praises directly without having to see it through a secondary, fair-and-balanced news network like Fox News, but unfortunately it is not that easy. Much to my chagrin international news is bleedy boring. There is no talk of celebrity gossip, current box office hits, and not even one mention of Anna Nicole Smith! I mean how does someone in, say, Azerbaijan get along with his daily viticulture without knowing the latest on who’s that baby’s daddy? Must be tough. Basically international news is consumed by their liberal attempts to portray the world as not-at-peace. But clearly I can look out the window and see that there is no fighting going on, so why the discrepancy? There was that little skirmish in Iraq, which could have been bad, but fortunately we cleaned that mess up back in 2003 (see: Bush, “Mission Accomplished”). Basically I think international news should learn from American news and start reporting on the things that really matter. If they keep broadcasting sad stories full of death and reality no one is going to want to watch. Not to mention rumors will spread that the world is not a happy, prosperous place. If you don’t believe me go ahead and look out your window. Looks pretty happy and prosperous, wouldn’t you say? Myth busted. To be sure, let’s get feedback from all over the country to make sure we have a representative sample. Let me know how the view from your window looks and from where you’re viewing. Together, we will show the world how happy it is.

De facto political monopoly: do not pass go, do not collect electoral votes

Kudos to political parties. With the 2008 presidential election just around the corner (the next 17 months are going to fly by) political ideology will be at the forefront of voters’ minds. Fortunately America has an established two-party political system to make voting simple. Rather than get bogged down in facts and issues voters merely have to be able to tell the difference between the letters “D” and “R” appearing next to candidates’ names on the ballot. Novice voters might ask how they know whether they are an “R” or “D”. Basically you have to ask yourself one question: Am I Religious? If they answer is yes then you are an “R”; if you Don’t know or Don’t think it matters then you are a “D”. Politics is all about providing a simple either/or situation. Either you are a religious republican or democracy-loving democrat. If we did not have the saving grace of the two-party system, voting would be too complicated and no one would want to be involved (as opposed to the masses currently involved). Every once in a while a long shot independent candidate emerges who thinks that “either/or” cannot suffice in politics. Somewhere these wackos got the crazy idea that one can be pro-choice and conservative at the same time (not to be confused with Rudy Giuliani) or any number of other paradoxes. I am pretty sure there is even a constitutional amendment that mandates the alignment of government officials’ political ideals with one party, but who ever reads that old thing anyway? (Eat it Madison!) Luckily these two-party dissidents do not stick around long enabling us to preserve our precious party system and allowing voters to remain pleasantly oblivious to the complexities of the issues and stances held by their leaders, which really do not have anything to do with them. Don’t forget: this is an elephant and donkey party only, no (insert 3rd party animal here) allowed. If anyone knew the animals of those other parties they wouldn’t be going out of business now would they?

An Inconvenient-er truth

(Signal 4.26)

Kudos to Christianity for being easy and convenient. So many other religions require self-sacrifice and travel down a narrow-road, but we have the hook up. According to many contemporary preachers (which means it must be true), Jesus did not actually mean most of the stuff he said. This works out really well for wealthy American Christians. If he actually meant what he said about selling our possessions and giving everything to the poor, that would pretty much kill our learned way-of-life. Wealth and property are where we find our sense of worth and serve as an easy way to keep score in America. If Christians gave everything to the poor we would automatically sink to the bottom of the economic/cool totem pole and submit ourselves to the condescending public eye. People would start associating us with the poor, sick and needy-type folks (the last thing Jesus would have wanted), and then Christianity would seem less fun and appealing to non-believers. Jesus must have known the future importance of marketing Christianity (what would I do without my Testamints and “Jesus is my homeboy” shirt?), so there is no way he could have meant that literally. Seriously, who would want to join a religion that actually required sacrifice from its followers? There are many people who will tell you how much life improved after they got saved which is how a life of discipleship should be. I am pretty sure the twelve disciples died old and wealthy after following Jesus (save for that one noose incident), and this is the life Christians should expect to find today. That whole metaphorical picking-up-your-cross-to-follow-him thing can be interpreted numerous ways. What if my cross just so happens to be gold plated with a hint of bling? That seems like a reasonable interpretation of the passage. The point is that these teachings must be taken in context. Ministering to “the least of these” may have originally meant societal outcasts like the sick and homeless, but apparently this has a different meaning today since most Christians couldn’t even tell you where to find a homeless person. Thankfully most of us have been raised in churches where we learn to find the pathway of convenience and save all that not-so-fun stuff for the hardcore, odd-for-God types. After all, Christians are recognized by reflecting Jesus’ love which implies that their lives should be easy and convenient …at least as convenient as crucifixion can be, I suppose.


Supplemental Material
I am pretty sure Christianity is not supposed to be as easy as we try to make it. No other generation of Christians lived as affluently or as blended-into-society as we do today. We spend so much time and money trying to make Christianity attactive and normal that it loses meaning. If asked, most non-Christians today would describe Christians very differently than Christians should want to be described. Jesus was a radical, not a fundamentalist. He rocked the boat and challenged ideas, but many "Christians" today have been neutered and are so house-broken (aka comfortable in this world) that they are indistinguishable among non-believers. We try so hard to "sell" Christianity to people by making it appealling that the term "Christian" is not a significant characterization of someone because it has such a bland, vague meaning. Maybe if we started taking Jesus' words as literal challenges then Christianity could regain its flavor. Until then we will continue to fade into mediocrity.

Mother Earth suffering from hot flashes

(Signal 4.19)

Kudonts to people for breathing. According to a group of scientists, liberals and liberal scientists, humans are responsible for these so-called “global warmings” that everyone is so huffy about these days. Apparently Mother Nature finds certain necessary aspects of human life like respiration and SUVs a little inconvenient. Well excuse us for breathing. Geez, where is Father Winter when you need him to shut her up? Someone slip her a Midol or something because this has just got to stop. The worst part is that she actually has dedicated listeners like Antarctica and Bill Clinton appeasing her nagging. Antarctica with its liberal agenda, for instance, has been pitching this ridiculous icecap melting business for a while now. Geographic-progressives, such as myself, have been leading the charge to have Antarctica’s designation as a continent revoked for years now on the basis of its lack of contribution to society (sending it to the reject table with Pluto). Fortunately this movement has undermined the red-headed-step-child-of-land-masses’ (not to be confused with Poland) influence on the matter. Clinton, on the other hand, had proven harder to undermine until he visited our campus. In his lecture he claimed that no one disputes the “fact” (political cop-out rhetoric denoting an indefensible claim) that the earth is heating up because of humans, but guess what? I dispute it which makes him wrong. If logic wasn’t inextricably linked to atheism then I would call his argument a fallacy, but since it is, I will just wait for his apology in the mail (see: Modus Lose-your-soul-ens). Even if these global warmings were real, why try to stop it? All that fresh water frozen in the icecaps is just a wasted resource waiting to quench Africa’s thirst. Not to mention the bleeding hearts like Al Gore (who doesn’t really want to resolve the issue because if he did no one would talk about him or buy his book anymore) would sink back into anonymity once climate change has run its course. All I’m saying is that 10,000 years ago when global warmings ended the last ice age it turned out to be a not-so-bad thing, so maybe we should give it another try. We are only 30 years removed from a global coolings scare, after all, so let’s enjoy the warmth and sit back, relax and watch the tide roll in…closer and closer.

Survival of the richest

(Signal 4.12)

Kudos to the new American Dream. While the idea of the American Dream began to spread over a century ago, it has finally evolved into its purest form. At first it focused on hard work as the key to finding wealth, but Americans soon realized that hard work is overrated and unnecessary. Thankfully our leaders have developed new avenues for the allocation of fame and wealth to the most deserving. These include testing skills such as choosing the correct briefcase from Howie Mandel, outsmarting 5th graders, and receiving the most votes from viewers even if you are not the best singer (your day is coming Sanjaya!). Clearly our faith was misplaced, and hard work was only serving to distract us from realizing our true dream: to become wealthy without having to lift a finger. Now that wealth is available apart from pretense of work, Americans can finally reach their full potential and concentrate on things that matter the most like loading inspirational videos to You Tube and looking at pictures on Facebook that they have only seen twice. If evolution wasn’t just a gimmick used by the devil to make us question our faith, I would see this is a clear example of natural selection at work. There could even be some intrinsically American trait that has been selected over time which leads to our prosperity and fitness. I always thought that Darwin guy should have been born American; he would have been a magnificent Republican (a little queer and inadvertently turning more people away from God than Satan himself). Basically, America became a world power because of its vision for success (that, or the atom bomb), and the new trend to find wealth despite a lack of personal merit will continue to propel us to future prosperity lest we actually have to work and earn our income like the suckers in the rest of the world (see: the American Nightmare).