Encourage free thought...as long as it agrees with you

(Signal 3.30)

Kudos to students and parents on the anti-Clinton-comes-to-Ouachita campaign. Despite some calling you crazy and ignorant, and I cannot imagine why, at least you tried. Since the first whisper of the possibility that former President Bill Clinton could be visiting campus, many of the student-body-brave coalesced with parents against reality-exposure mounted soapboxes to preach about what a mistake it would be to bring him here and how we should not support it. Generally these arguments (if they even qualify as that) were based on Clinton’s “immoral character,” “botched Presidential term,” and other “failed attempts” in service to our country. Apparently the Birkett Williams sponsors are not fans of morals because there is no other way they could have supported him over “more traditional” options (apparently Pat Robertson and Veggie Tales were already booked). Sure Clinton did a few not-terrible things like support affordable health care, give tax-cuts to the lower-class, make trade fair for poor countries, allow pregnant women to take time off of work, enhance public education programs, clean up the environment, remove dangerous weapons from the streets, deter terrorism and increase minimum wage but think about the big picture. Unfortunately our generation was not old enough to remember these debacles as part of Clinton’s apparent effort to run America into the ground with economic equality. Even now that he is no longer in office he seems to be poisoning our culture with humanitarian work focused on spreading AIDS treatment and alleviating poverty. What a menace to society! These accomplishments, which some might even call amazing, still cannot compete with one enormously well-publicized albeit relatively insignificant slip-up (continuously compounded over ten years yields 4 billion% increase in perceived similarity to Satan…see: Compound-Sin Interest Formula). I cannot even fathom how he maintained a relatively steady 60-ish% approval rating during all of that helping-the-poor stuff. There is no way that mess would fly nowadays even if Bush pretended to care about the lower-class. Even though your objections went unheeded, keep fighting the good fight protesters. Don't stop for even a moment lest you hear some actual truth about the issue, and then you wouldn’t know what to believe…and what a shame that would be.


Supplemental Material
Former President Bill Clinton recently visited our campus. Our Southern Baptist campus. Our "send us your kids so they can be protected from the world and learn how to be good Christian Republicans" campus. Of course not everyone or even the majority are ignorant, close-minded, psycho-fundamentals, but you always have some around to cause trouble. This was the case when certain students and professors decided to protest the lecture because they don't like Bill Clinton...HE'S A FORMER PRESIDENT!!! Good Lord! This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Who cares if you don't like him. You probably don't even know why you don't like him. If you do, it is probably based on false information or ignorance. Have you ever met him in person to know if you really don't like him? Of course not, you're protesting his visit! I swear, these people would turn their back on Jesus if he came back now and said he was a Democrat. This is a man who is travelling around the world to promote AIDS treatment and a cleaner environment. Who cares if he is pro-choice. Who cares if you don't like his wife. Who cares if he did that one thing. You don't have to be a flaming liberal to respect the office of the President of the United States or respect the humanitarian work he is doing now. No one, and I mean no one who acts like that has any business talking politics or pretending to be rational. I look forward to the day when political parties don't carry the weight they do now so that people are forced to be informed and cannot supplement assumptions for knowledge.

Redemption on the block for the highest bidder

(Signal 3.15)

Kudos to Corporate Christianity, the new breed of religion that is taking over America one soul/bank account at a time. Unlike the original Christianity, which focuses on converting lost souls into followers of Jesus, the Corporate-variety focuses mainly on converting lost pocket-books into financiers of a “Christian-related” cause while taking the soul as an acceptable down-payment. Why convert a person’s money and not just the person, you might ask? Basically, the members of the Church of Corporate Christianity, or Corporates, have uncovered the true calling of Christians. This calling is not only to have faith in Jesus but to contribute vast sums of money to carry out his teachings by turning pastors into rockstars and mundane church buildings (where it is hard for the spirit to move) into fancy worship stadiums. Clearly the Corporates are modeling their churches and organizations after the early church in the Book of Acts that was well-known for its gaudy buildings (prominently displayed holes in the ground), wealthy leaders (currency: persecution), and hoards of possessions as the poor did not yet exist (still doesn’t for the Corporates). Financial success of a church is a clear sign of God taking pleasure in its shareholders—I mean members. Actually, at the rate some of these churches are growing (spiritually, that is), we might be on the brink of the elite few going public. What better to spread the gospel than to allow people to buy stock in a church and enable shareholders and ministers to profit financially and spiritually from the work of God? (Paging Mr. Luther, Mr. Martin Luther.) We should learn from these religious pioneers who are on the cutting edge of God’s ever-changing ways and measure our own lives and churches according to their doctrine. If your pastor isn’t being treated like a divinely placed CEO or your church has been frivolously spending money on the needy and not itself, then maybe you should reevaluate the purpose of the church…or just go witness to the rich folks.

Supplemental Material
To clarify, the Church of Corporate Christianity is not real in the sense that churches actually identify themselves as part of it. It is merely a label I created for churches that seemingly value financial progress and the image of prosperity over actual substantive spiritual progress. This is most evident in contemporary churches that give their pastors seven-figure salaries and conduct worship "services" in sanctuaries that cost more than some churches spend in a lifetime. This makes me question the motives of such a church. Are these glorious buildings built with the intention of honoring God or is there something else at work? Does a seven-figure salary fall in the realm of "self-sacrifice for the ministry"? I am reminded of the temple built in the Old Testament that was lined with gold and all kinds of other magnificent materials. The purpose of that building's splendor was to glorify God, but as one biblical scholar puts it, "There is an apparent parallel [between contemporary buildings and the OT temple], but the movement of the redemptive story changes things, turning our focus from an earthly kingdom to a heavenly kingdom with earthly implications." Granted I do not know what all goes into a given church's financial decisions, and it is not my place to judge them. These are just important questions that churches and their congregations should ask themselves.

Salvation and polygamy for all

(The Signal 3.8)

Kudonts to the pseudo-Christian Great Commission. Recently, outsiders who call themselves Mormons infiltrated OBU apartment complexes in an effort to teach students about their beliefs. Luckily I wasn’t around the first time they came by, so I didn’t have to worry about catching whatever it is they are spreading around—latter-day-pox or something. But just when I thought it was safe to leave quarantine, I was warned that they had been spotted on the premises again. I rushed back to my apartment to grab my handy Mormon-repellant only to find that I had run out after my recent trip to Utah and only had insect and Democrat-repellants left. What is the world coming to when we cannot even feel safe in our own bubble? Maybe we need to go old-school and put up signs that say, “Christian Clubhouse: No Pagans Allowed.” Fortunately that is how most of the apartment-heroes responded and treated them no better than your everyday encyclopedia salesman with a silent judgment and a kind door-in-the-face. But seriously, why would Christians want to actually talk about religion with non-believers when they can keep their faith tucked away safely for themselves? Isn’t that what this whole religion thing is all about? Supposedly stains on your faith are just a wretch to clean and almost never come out in the wash, so it is probably best kept unshared anyway. Hopefully, after the near-death/conversion experience our unfortunate students had, they will be better prepared for the next time a lost soul approaches them wanting to talk religion and can perfect their witness-evasion tactics. After all, we wouldn’t want any conversions or evangelizing going on around here, right?


Supplemental Material
If this sounds like I am bashing Mormons, go back and read it again.

Christians have been given a charge to spread the Gospel. This is not limited to travelling half way around the world to witness to obscure African tribes who speak in clicks and grunts. It is easy to make fun of other religions and write them off because their ideas seem a little far-fetched to us (as if virgin births and rising from the dead are commonplace), but we could definitely learn something from their devotion to sharing their beliefs. Christians are told to seek out non-believers, but when they come knocking on our doors wanting to talk about religion, we turn them away or say we aren't interested or make fun of the "crazies on bikes." We shouldn't have to wait for that knock on the door, but if we get it, the hardest part of witnessing is already done and should not be so quickly dismissed. What a wasted opportunity.

Beauty pageants keeping it real...mostly

(The Signal 3.1)

Kudos to beauty pageants like the upcoming Miss OBU pageant. This is just a great way for girls to show off their stuff (personality and intelligence, that is) and compete to earn scholarships through the Miss America Organization. Unfortunately there are some pageants out there, such as Miss USA, that are not as honorable as Miss America and do not require talent from their contestants who essentially compete to win modeling opportunities. Recently though, Miss USA has been trying to improve its reputation (hard to do with The Donald still in charge) by holding its winner to higher standards and publicly condemning her for acting like a sex object...wait how do girls win this again? Oh right, by acting like a sex object. Funny how that works. Fortunately we still have the Miss America system to uphold a set of higher values in the pageant community. Now only if they could learn from those small town pageants and get the 5-8 year old demographic involved to encourage more parents to paint their barely-out-of-diapers girls up like Barbie dolls and parade them around on stage just to further their own financial well-being while stripping their daughter of her innocence and exploiting the fact that she does not know any better so when she grows up she can look back and remember the good old' days of the childhood she never had because it is tucked away in mom and dad's bank account. At least that's what some people say. I'm sure it's really not like that at all.