Mother Earth suffering from hot flashes

(Signal 4.19)

Kudonts to people for breathing. According to a group of scientists, liberals and liberal scientists, humans are responsible for these so-called “global warmings” that everyone is so huffy about these days. Apparently Mother Nature finds certain necessary aspects of human life like respiration and SUVs a little inconvenient. Well excuse us for breathing. Geez, where is Father Winter when you need him to shut her up? Someone slip her a Midol or something because this has just got to stop. The worst part is that she actually has dedicated listeners like Antarctica and Bill Clinton appeasing her nagging. Antarctica with its liberal agenda, for instance, has been pitching this ridiculous icecap melting business for a while now. Geographic-progressives, such as myself, have been leading the charge to have Antarctica’s designation as a continent revoked for years now on the basis of its lack of contribution to society (sending it to the reject table with Pluto). Fortunately this movement has undermined the red-headed-step-child-of-land-masses’ (not to be confused with Poland) influence on the matter. Clinton, on the other hand, had proven harder to undermine until he visited our campus. In his lecture he claimed that no one disputes the “fact” (political cop-out rhetoric denoting an indefensible claim) that the earth is heating up because of humans, but guess what? I dispute it which makes him wrong. If logic wasn’t inextricably linked to atheism then I would call his argument a fallacy, but since it is, I will just wait for his apology in the mail (see: Modus Lose-your-soul-ens). Even if these global warmings were real, why try to stop it? All that fresh water frozen in the icecaps is just a wasted resource waiting to quench Africa’s thirst. Not to mention the bleeding hearts like Al Gore (who doesn’t really want to resolve the issue because if he did no one would talk about him or buy his book anymore) would sink back into anonymity once climate change has run its course. All I’m saying is that 10,000 years ago when global warmings ended the last ice age it turned out to be a not-so-bad thing, so maybe we should give it another try. We are only 30 years removed from a global coolings scare, after all, so let’s enjoy the warmth and sit back, relax and watch the tide roll in…closer and closer.